It should have been that I had more excitement in awaiting the birth of our daughter, Zora, but instead I was filled with anxiety and it was exhausting me.
I was afraid of all the things that I could not control. And while I have long known the “Serenity Prayer” and appreciated its power, I was not in a place of accepting anything that I could not control or change. This all came down as a massive waterfall of “uncontrollables” once I went into labor. Seriously and quite literally, everything—save death— that I was afraid of regarding childbirth happened. Every diagnosis, or requirement that I was fearing about labor became my very real experience.
Pastor Blake said, “God wants to meet you on the outside of the places that you’re scared.”
God knew that what I needed more than anything was to trust HIM. I needed to meet him through what I was to endure, on the outside. I soon found myself in worse pain that I had expected—again, first time mom—and though I had hired a birth doula and had incredible support from both her and my husband, I needed to separate myself from them for a bit. On the outside, it appeared that I was isolating myself from my help, from my support, but it was the contrary. I had created a labor playlist with over 50 songs on it and yet there was only one song that I listened to and sang. Not ironically, it was the same song that we sang in praise today and that Blake referenced, “Oceans.”
I had over 50 songs on my playlist and in my time of fear and pain, I quietly put my earbuds in, curled up on the hospital bed and listened to that song on repeat. I began singing it out loud and for the first time in my life I didn’t care if I had musicality or not. I sang.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me.” And I felt more empowered and a whole lot less afraid.
Blake said, "The peace that God gives is in the midst of the conflict.” And while it got even scarier before it got calm—and parts of my recovery still have me anxious—I believe with all of my soul that God called me to meet him outside of my fears and to give testimony to his FAITH.