A Person After God’s Heart
Another break up… There I was again mourning the loss of another failed relationship. Even though I knew it was for the best I couldn’t stop the waves of rejection and grief that washed over me. The lies of the enemy that I am not good enough and never will be. So in week one of our David series when Blake asked if we have ever felt rejected, I could relate.
For the last ten years, I have had over a dozen failed relationships, and none of them lasted longer than three months. That starts to wear on a person's heart, mind and spirit. One break up becomes a dozen. You start thinking, If only I had been better it would have lasted? Why am I the way I am? What is wrong with me? Maybe I am cursed. Maybe God is punishing me.
In week two we learned about hope deferred. For twelve years David was on the run for his life, rejected and an outcast. If you ever want to know how David was feeling during these times you can turn to Psalms. (a quick google will allow you to relate certain Psalms to specific times in David’s life). A theme you will find is over and over again David seems to keep his eyes fixed on the eternal. Regardless of his circumstances he knows God is good and will take care of him.
More recently in my life, I have learned to turn my heart toward God when I am in despair. I find comfort reading these Psalms as if they are my own words. I cry (and I mean literally cry) out these painful scriptures when I have a broken heart. For example:
Psalm 13:1-2
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Now I didn’t start this way. Sarina ten years ago after a break up was immediately looking for the next man. And then dating apps came out… yikes! That introduced the idea of seeing multiple men at one time so if one didn’t work out you already had another option or two lined up. At the time this seemed great. How could I ever get hurt if there were multiple men wanting to date me? Tinder, Bumble, eHarmony, you name it I tried it. Of course, this only led me down a path of depression, hurt, anger and bitterness. Ultimately, I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with worldly relationships while God was waiting patiently for me to come back to Him.
During these dark times, God was moving. Looking back now I can see how He was working in my life even though I didn’t realize it at the time. For instance, after a few horrible break ups, I found that anything other than christian music made me feel hurt and sad. I grew up listening to country music and all of a sudden every song and lyric reminded me of a failed relationship, taking me back down the road the enemy wanted… feeling rejected and alone. My heart may not have started in the right place when I turned to that Christian radio station however now I LOVE singing praises in my house, my car, my shower, on the rare occasion when I jog. It has become my special time with God.
A failed relationship is also the reason I started my War Room (recommend watching the movie!). Which took my prayer life to a whole new level I had never experienced. Again the enemy filled my mind with lies that I was never going to be good enough and that God was punishing me. However in prayer and scripture, I learned that God wasn’t punishing me, he was in that closet holding me and crying with me. He was comforting me through scripture and letting me know how much he LOVED me! That nothing I could ever do would change his love for me. As Kirsten covered in the final week of our series, being a Christ follower is not about what we do but about what has been done for us. It has been a painful journey however I can finally say I am completely content being single.
It can be easy to gloss over the dark times in David’s life and assume he had some magical power or special favor from God that made him “a man after God’s heart”. However this series really exposed that David is you, he is me, even the person who cut you off in traffic the other day. We can be people after God’s heart. David included God in the good, the bad and the ugly. He sought God’s advice most of the time, and when he didn’t and made mistakes he immediately ran back to Him. And let’s be real, David made many mistakes that caused him struggles in this world. The good news Jesus tells us: In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. - John 16:33
